By Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.
Good listening skills are important to a relationship. Although most
people have heard of "active listening", the definition of active
listening is a source of confusion for many people.
Sometimes called
"reflective listening", active listening involves making sure that you
heard what was said by repeating it back. Consciously listening to the
other person to make sure that you heard what they actually said is
reflected in these various terms.
When teaching couples how to change how they talk to each other,
active listening is stressed. Much of the time, a big part of the communication problems that couples experience involves poor
listening skills or habits.
In order to communicate effectively in your most important
relationships you must be able to accurately "hear" what is said.
You
can't have effective communication without good listening skills. And
you cannot be good at solving problems together without good
communication skills.
An absence of effectively listening, means that the message sent or
intended is not the same message as the one received by the listener.
Although this may happen for a lot of reasons, a simple absence of
listening, is a major culprit.
A number of things can get in the way of good listening including
assumptions that tells the listener that s/he does not need to listen
past a certain point, a failure to pay attention or succumbing to
distractions, and rehearsing what your response will be. The listener
may assume that he/she knows what the other is going to say, and may
thus attend to just enough of the message to confirm his/her belief.
At
other times, a listener may be tuning out what the other person is
saying while s/he tries to come with his or her rebuttal. Both of these
scenarios are setups for the condition where couples dig themselves in
deeper and deeper trying to be understood and not realizing that
neither is hearing what is actually said.
When there are problems with focus or attention, the issue may be
deliberate or non-deliberate lack of listening.
To be a good listener,
practice these guidelines:
1. Pay close attention to what is going on.
2. Concentrate on what they are saying.
3. Maintain eye contact without staring.
4. Don't interrupt.
5. Don't worry about what you are going to say until s/he is finished.
6. Practice active listening.
Active listening is an especially helpful tool in the presence of
perceptual "filters". Each partner comes into the relationship with a
history of other interactions, communications, unique meanings, and
personal experiences. This collection of experiences and beliefs,
attitudes, mood states, relationship event histories colors the
information that we consume in the present.
This emotional,
attitudinal, and relationship background constitutes perceptual
"filters". These filters are uniquely one's own. No two people have
exactly the same filters. The more long lasting and influential the
experiences or the events, the more likely the filters will persist
over time, and the more heavy the influence they play over perception
in contemporary events.
You can improve your ability to listen by practicing reflective
listening. You can begin to override your filters by using this
technique and by looking at the assumptions that you have been making
about what is being said and looking for patterns. Some people have
filters about abandonment fears. Others are ultra-sensitive to
criticism.
An active listening technique that is helpful is the use of the
phrase, "What I hear you saying is..." This is only one example of
reflective listening and feedback. Any clarifying question could serve
as active listening. The point is that when you clarify a message, you
are making sure that the message that you have received is the same
messages as the one that was sent, or intended.
Sometimes the process can still get derailed when the paraphrased
"what I heard you saying" message is met with "that is not what I
said", and then an argument ensues over which one is correct. Couples
get derailed by arguing about what was actually said or not said in the
first place. This is easily remedied by each person first and foremost
's messages.
It helps to not concern yourself about who is right and
who is wrong. A good phrase to remember for this situation is,
"actually, what I intended to say was..."
Reflective listening feels awkward, unnatural, odd, stiff, and just
plain weird. It does however, have a number of benefits that make it
worth practicing and learning. Some of those are the fact that you can
eliminate most of your arguments by making sure that the message that
is received is the one that was sent.
Another is the fact that by carefully clarifying messages, you can
discover your own themes in filters that color how you take in the
contemporary events in your life. Once you identify your sensitivity to
certain messages and themes, some of the power of those filters can be
neutralized.
If you know that you are sensitive to abandonment
messages, you don't have to panic when your partner says, "I'm starting
to get angry in this discussion. I'm going to take a break and go to
the store." In the past, instead of hearing that, you might have heard
"I'm mad at you and I'm leaving you".
If you have identified
abandonment fear as a filter and your partner leaves in the middle of
an argument, you can reassure yourself that your partner did not say
that s/he was leaving you forever.
When you can actually hear what is being said in your
conversations, you are less likely to engage in circular arguing, with
each volley of verbal assaults setting up more miscommunication.
Communication exercises and training that have an active listening component are especially helpful.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D. is a therapist in private practice in Stillwater, OK. She is also a writer, trainer and consultant.
For more information, visit: For more information, visit:
http://www.peggyferguson.com-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Comment Below: What did you love, learn or disagree with in this article. Thanks for your feedback!
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